• War with self-love!

    How would I feel if they did not love themselves? If their minds and worries swarmed with self doubts the way mine does? How would they feel if they knew the things I thought of myself? I learned really quick that a lack of self love and self acceptance will quickly effect the most precious little hearts around us, our children. I decided they deserved a mommy who loves herself the way they hope she does! A mom who can teach beauty in flaws and confidence in uniqueness. Unconditional love starts with the person we criticize the most, ourselves, but until we can accept and appreciate ourselves for all that we are, we are not able to provide all parts of the love we are capable of achieving.

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  • More inside the dark times of my mind ♡

  • I am Mommy!

    I’ve never been one to put a label on the particular way different minds operate but, since we are here and all I have are words I guess we’ll go with the decided terminology…
    I have a lot of disfunction above my shoulders but the leader of my personal war is something they call, Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Before I get into anything, here are a few things that explain BPD (information & descriptions are not my own words):

    (this is one of the most spot on explanations I have ever found/read/related to):

    people with BPD operate from the perspective of I will take care of your emotional needs, self esteem and self-image, and in return you will give me acknowledgement, affirmation and approval.
    As children they gave up anything they needed (their development, their needs, their wants) to in order to prevent being abandoned.
    Their basic thoughts patterns are based on looking for a perfect partner, friend etc. who will love them unconditionally, take care of all their needs, give them love, devotion and attention 24 hours per day.
    However because they lack an ability to integrate views of themselves and others due to the defence of keeping contradictory views of themselves and others seperate (splitting). Splitting was required as a child in order to maintain the belief that the parent that was abusing them was good, despite the bad things that the parent was doing, in order to maintain an illusion of control. Basically the child had to believe that they are ‘bad’, and the parent is good. That way, if they (the child) behaves better, the parent will be nicer to them. It allows them to survive a situation which would be intolerable and unimaginable otherwise. People with BPD developed a way of living in their world by pleasing their parents, to protect themselves form as much of the pain of their situation as was possible.
    They lack object constancy, which means that they are unable to maintain an emotional connection to someone who has disappointed or hurt them. The person goes form being a source of support and connection to someone who they can not maintain their positive feelings for a person, and that person is totally destroyed in their mind, and replaced with someone who is bad. They can now only see what is bad about the person, and filter away any good traits. Further they have an inability to feel emotionally connected to a person who is not physically present, and can literally not bring that person’s face up in their mind.
    Thus if they feel hurt, or disappointed by another, they see the person as all bad, and in essence it is like that person is destroyed and no longer exists in their world

    –Ralph Klein (director of the Masterson Institute for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy which provides psychoanalytic psychotherapy services for personality disorders)

    -Someone with BPD feels like someone without fingerprints. You have no identity. You move between things constantly, people and passions. Onlookers can be tricked into seeing you as boldly transformative. In reality, you are someone without a sense of self.

    -Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

    -Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self.

    -Chronic feelings of emptiness.

    -Severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body or losing touch with reality.

    -impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, ect.)

    -innapropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

    -Affective mood instability

    -Tendancy to think in extremes, a phenomenon called “dichotomous” or “black-and-white thinking.

    -Everything is felt more intensely: good, bad, or otherwise. Our reactions may seem out of proportion but its appropriate in our minds.

    -Theyre unstable emotions are a result of a psychiatric illness that stems from neurological imbalances and environmental factors. They could’ve been born with a hyperactive fear system, or their fear system became hyperactive in response to early fear-provoking trauma, or both.

    With all of that being said,
    My entire life was just an endless, empty search for who I was, am, going to be. Who I was to others and the purpose of my existence. I was always uncomfortable in my body and never knew why, I had a lack of memory that was disturbing. Eventually, I was too exhausted to keep chasing a connection with myself, so I strictly connected with others. I allowed them to tell me all they needed, I analyzed their entire being so I could understand better how to care for all their genuine needs. I wanted to take care of their mental in a way the constant, rapid instability of mine prevented for myself.
    I believed this was my character, it seemed like the only way I could belong here and be useful and accepted And loved.

    I went on for years, in and out of long, serious relationships that never ended well just searching for an unconditional love in which I truly felt was impossible for me to obtain.
    I wanted someone to admire my kind heart,
    Accept the dark parts of my mind while acknowledging my strength to remain selfless in love. I wanted someone to benefit from the mass of care and understanding I gave out.
    I wanted someone to make me feel as if I was not a burden.
    I was not a mistake.
    I was not misunderstood.
    I was not judged.
    I was not an inconvenience or annoyance to have around…
    I just wanted to be loved.

    Once I had kids, the weight of my failures and emptiness crushed my chest…..
    My relationship with their father was very hurtful….
    My depression was crippling…
    My anxiety was nerve wrecking…
    My dissasociation became so often and sudden that I’d randomly realize I had no recollection of the past 3 days, week, month, year…..
    I felt like the worst mother I could be when I swore I’d never hurt my children while giving more importance to other people or situations that was not them or directly affecting them.

    Once I walked away from my marriage, I saw the person I had been. To myself, my children, my friends & family…..
    I saw the traits I took in as my own, the coping mechanisms, the impulsive reactions….
    I saw a person I would never want to be…. someone who portrayed nothing I so proudly claimed….
    Someone my children did not deserve to be around….

    I fell apart…
    I left reality….

    Once the higher power realized that nothing would snap me out of this empty space I suffered in aside from ripping away what mattered most in life to me,
    My reality brought me back with true, unbearable heartache.

    The 4 most perfect souls I could have ever dreamed of existing, were taken away from me without warning….
    Without the ability to stop it….
    Without a way for me to explain to them how sorry I was,
    Without the ability to keep them safe,
    Take care of their emotions,
    Their thoughts,
    Their worries……
    Everything I swore to give to those around me endlessly no matter what, was something I failed to give the ones who needed it most, mattered most, would benefit most……

    How could I fail at the ONE THING I devoted my life to?

    I am still healing and learning composure and proper ways of responding to my feelings and mental states BUT, one thing I know is that, now…..
    There’s nothing that will ever make me doubt, question, seek validation or take from the fact that, I’m mommy.
    I may not know my purpose, my goals and dreams from day to day, my interests…..
    I may have NO clue of what all exists within but, I now get to have an identification tied to my name for the rest of my life and I couldn’t ask for a better one!

    They give me all of the things I craved and sacrificed myself for….
    They ended the search for something I would’ve died chasing after.
    They gave me an opportunity to be all that I wanted to be for someone.
    They gave me life.
    They made my name.
    They saved me from myself and reminded me that I do still exist.
    I am lovable.
    I am deserving.
    I am HERE.
    & finally, I can exist with ease knowing that when my mind asks me,
    “WHO ARE YOU?”
    I can always say,

         "I AM MOMMY!!"

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