I go inside my head and i start to get nervous All the shit I know just won’t let my mind focus I wish I had someone to tell but I don’t Not a single fucking ear i could really spill my soul to, I’m alone. Aren’t we all. I don’t know I just know that I’m nervous. I talk a bunch of meaningless words to seem like I’m not lost, I’m so lost. But I know right where I stay most. The door is so Fucking Open But I can’t summons the guts to go through it The door stays Wide Fucking Open im summoning the guts to go through it.
Do you ever wonder what she would be today? Aurianna Aleese, the babygirl the god you worship just took away. I can’t say we was ready but we woulda fought to be… We woulda protected that little girl like it was the last breath wed fucking live to see. Yeah we been through some shit and we got some kids we ain’t live right by from the start but We went through hell and back to be the parents we knew they deserved us to be… Dr hurts, It doesn’t hurt you though, does it? You succeeded in your profession when you took a fucking life from me… The looks I got. The glares I got. The unkind words from professionals with a five gallon bucket they just threw my girl to rot in in front of me. I suppressed it I forgot it I acted like it didn’t happen cause I couldn’t fucking handle it But “it” was her. I say death has never been that close to me. But really death took the first someone that really meant something to me Fuck this It’s painful And I’m way too fucked up to focus on the real thoughts. Like slitting her fucking throat open. Like preforming an xray where all her goddamn bones are broken. You know what Fuck this It’s far too painful to think you live just fine with this. I could find you. Hunt you. I dream about it every day that I sleep the fucking nights through God’s got you, Something has to… Or maybe something’s got me… Cause I really wanna watch the last breath your fucking body takes fall at the hands connected to the body you pulled the life Yu took from me… Fuck you And fuck this I’m far too hurt to even deal with it. 10 years, And I still sit with her…. I still talk about all the ways I wish we would’ve fought to save her…. Fuck you … She was just another day and inconvenience of a career your soul chased after….. Maybe I’m biased Maybe I’m just placing blame Maybe my mind doesn’t give a fuck and her life is still in the care of your neglect .. I don’t know, I miss her… I hate the way my pain just allowed the life I led to dismiss her..
I think I’m psyching me out. I don’t know how to just stop. I know that it’s all coming out, You wouldn’t believe that I stop more than not. I’m sorry. I know I’m just psyching me out. My mind is one hell of a place and even I don’t know the way around I probably got lost years ago. What’s real and what’s not. I never really know but I can’t tell anyone that. I’m not that crazy, I’m just psyching us out. Don’t listen to me in times of despair cause I speak what everyone else keeps quiet. I don’t know how to just stop. I know I shouldn’t speak But if I hold it all inside the words begin to boil in me They get hot They make me cold And soon enough I’m choking on every single word Then I can’t speak Not just the bad in me But a single fucking word cause I’m stuck deeper than I’m supposed to be So I speak. Forgive me. I don’t know how not to be me. I’m just psyching me out. I’m finding the silence now. Take all these words and forget I ever wrote them down.
March 19, 2023
Run from it, run from it, You know you won’t get far. Run faster, don’t stop, You know you won’t get far. I’m not sure the mental state that kicks inside my brain, As soon as one single hand I held begins to pull away. Fuck no. Fuck that. Fuck some broken words. You swore to me, I trusted you And I refuse to hurt.
I’m kidding, so sorry, I know I love you wrong. It’s not that I can’t see your pain and when I’m causing hurt. I’ve just began to run so far in fear of your lost hope.
And here we are. My cause of it all, And you say it’s time to swallow. I know I’ll choke My throat can’t cope and efforts are long gone.
I’m kidding, so sorry. I know I’m talking wrong. It’s just the lessons in this life that never seem to stop.
Bring me peace, Bring me love, Bring me all my soul. I know I’m wrong And cost too much and don’t deserve it all. But I’m just sad And going mad And slowly giving up. I’m kidding, So sorry.
I’m starting to measure up. Bare with me. I’m growing, Straight through the darkest spots.
March 14, 2023
Why is letting go so fucking hard? It’s not like you were ever happy anyways. All you ever do is complain about the what ifs and did you’s that you’re so wrapped up to know what you have right in front of you. Fall back. Get in line. We’re all a little fucked up but I don’t know how to hide mine. I’m selfish. I’m insecure. I wanna say fuck that bitch I know I loved you more.
Who am I? What am I? Not anyone you’d wanna dedicate your life. Take it away. I would. So would they.
And I’ll be here on late night days wondering why it’s so fucking dark but the moon makes me wanna stay. Where is she tonight? Is she as sad as I am while I put up this fight? It’s inevitable. I’m awful. I don’t know how to take a handful and chew it up like I’m tryna swallow. I’ll choke. Every time. So just take the love straight from my lungs and Carry on. No blame here. I’d run when I saw me in fear. She’s evil. She’s my life long battle. Welcome to my brain.
Medication never took it away. But I should Medicate. Medicine took the reaction back to its place of hate. But I hate me. And that’s easy.
But I’ll overcome the human traits the life I don’t even remember gave to me.
I want to say please don’t leave me… I want to beg you to need me. I wanna slit my wrists til you hold the life in my chest and feel me slowly fade away, Sink. Into the floor. But at least I felt your love once more. I wanna be okay to let you go, To accept that this isn’t home, I wanna give up all that I’ve built, But I’m so lonely when it’s time to lose it all again. I know it’s time. Forgive me. I’ve never been good at letting go.
It makes me want to understand the point of ever grabbing on.
I don’t want to think this is what love is. I’m so tired of fighting to be held in the parts deep within I know it’s repulsing. I know it’s pathetic and more so disgusting. I know that it’s heartless, I know it’s the parts unwanted, The places you run from.
Forgive me, I’m chasing. But I can’t bare the fact that you might get lost with the image of the last face I had on. I’m chasing, Just hoping you’ll see me, But I know the person I am don’t match who I’m being. Forgive me. I’m fading. I’m falling apart and just begging for safety. I’m fading. I’ll back off in timing.
Just give me the space and then soon you won’t find me. I’ll blend in I’ll carefully rid me I’ll suck back the darkness and memories I made here Forgive me I know I’m ugly I try to be good enough that that face won’t find me She’s winning Cause somehow I’m far gone and she came and found me It’s okay
As long as you leave me Cause everyone imposed upon soon cannot need me I’m guilty Of all negativity I’m broken inside and can’t seem to fix me Outgrow me The best of them do. And when you get out there I’m still here with love for you Forgive me For just not progressing I guess I’m too sad to experience existing It’s lonely And it feels so damn hurtful But really I ruin every good thing it throws me Forgive me….. don’t need me.
Just know that I want so badly to say, Please don’t leave me.
March 11, 2023
I’ve been outside my box for so long, and … It’s more lonely out here than it ever was inside so, I think I’ll go in now. It’s been a journey in the streets of nobody and the sites were beautiful, But never once could a fingertips touch get close enough to ever experience such things so, I think I’ll just go in. I was so angry at the distance between views that the space around wore thin and no air could be taken in and I started to lose.
I envied those who settled in and built a home from deep within when I couldn’t seem to find a place in empty space, I left my box but just for theirs so I could feel what they might have but, I couldn’t come close. They stay alone. So I should just go in now.
I thought combined the greater things that we could find would be enough but, I stay alone. And it has been For far too long, Time to go inside.
She was real unique and very different from me. She was quite the opposite with secrete I could see. I always found her beautiful and chased after her trust, Never did I see our souls all tangled in strange love. Her mind was very logical with strategies placed in, If you opened up one door her mind would surely win. Somewhere back behind her tactics she sat there all alone, So I stormed in with all my madness leaving her walls blown. I built them back the way she loved but I remained inside, Her purity lit hope I’d lost that caused us both to hide. I took her hand and talked to her with pureness from the sun, Within our walls of fear and hate our worries we’re all gone. I talked to her as who I saw and never filtered words. She talked to me as who she’s seen as if I saw her first… As if my eyes released the ties her heart had been bound by, As if my care released the lies her mind was taught to try. I set her free from her beliefs of the normality she had learned, She set me free from flames I feared but loved to watch them burn.
February 27, 2023
There’s some obstacles we’re jumping that we never run for, We trip that board like it’s the last thing that we done planned for. Now we’re 10 points down in the eye of the crowd and we don’t know what to do.. Fuck it, light a blunt and tell me all that they see just don’t amount to views. We’re past the limits, in god’s restrictions and all the best of us know that’s a broad spand, Cause forgiveness is lifes scheme and we just like searching for all the shit that never meant a damn.
Level up, it’s 2023 now, The group in their 30s just don’t lack enough care now. Level up, decades wont stop here, This is humanity on planet earth and we fall in love with the thought of fear. Forgive me. This life is pretending, And I just wanna make the credits. Not the ones that scroll fast but the ones that take annoying stays, Remember that name. Ash, right? The one that died at the end of each fight? The one that left that bitter taste that all of the best leave this life to crave? The one that had such a diluted construction, .but all of us knew That’s THE BITCH WHO WOULD LOVE US. it’s Ash right? The flames fade away, Cause what’s up in smoke will never learn to stay and Just Know …. When she stays …. Theres never a day she don’t think if she stayed, That your whole entire life would evaporate to skies and a pretty mist amongst the clouds rhat no one gives the time and That …. Well that’s why she goes. So your an image the camera has the time to capture hope. Along with a caption of mainstream attention cause Who doesn’t Wanna be admired Admired for the growth they can never even aquire Just smoke Cause Mary Jane has failed to leave me low So smoke It’s 2023 but Mary Jane has yet to be A reason we couldn’t sleep So sleep Cause rest is what we all need And 420 got me Cause let’s face it. My life path has a way of begining
It’s a ceiling fan, Ya know …. The one that’s on when you go to sleep just hounding the idea of flipping the fucking switch for the noisy creek you can’t calm your mind to peace within? Right … Everyone gets that…. Everyone understands the desperation to break the ribbon and stand in the position that WINS … Cheer on. But sleepy feels still seem to win…. The sleepy darkness of humans here we follow in sin It’s wrong. But we’re asleep so what’s the prob? Please explain the race for what you all chase when it’s all just wrong? We’re not all that strong. We breathe this life just to suck up the air of the Cells we call life. The trees and the grass and all of the things that we say give a mass meaning to light The growth and passion and differences in the out of this world hopeless visions. Dream on. You’re sleeping anyway. And What’s that mean when your eyes are closed and physical beings lie still? Be still. You’re safe here.. But the breath you protect was never yours to inhale anyway. So exhale. Exhale the hate and all the passion you have to leave this earth
ANYWAY.
Exhale. This life is not what they repeatedly say. It’s delusions of heaven in hell while you burn in the flames of created displays. Burn up. Plastic material will melt even easier than cave men’s clay. Melt down. Seep in. You’ll harden up soon on display again Toughen up. Show time. It’s hitting again. You’re just a common projection the eye sight of humanity fell in love with. Toughen up. It’s risky in here. Love is never enough and why will never win. Toughen up. It’s risky here. You’ll do what you love but youll love in fear.
Heavy Ink & Raw Reads 